I am so tired of apologising for who I am.
I can feel my souls’ exhaustion.
I can hear my inner Bullshit Fairy rolling her eyes and muttering, “Are we really going here, again?”
Yesterday someone commented on my Facebook Page about this post, and questioned why I am taking aim at people who are on the same side as me. (How a non-autistic white cis-male is on the same side as me doesn’t make sense to me, but anyway. . .) The same person also commented that my energy would be better spent in another area of autism advocacy such as the anti-vaccine movement.
And it touched a wound, that’s why I’m writing this – to unpack my own bullshit. I knew the searing rage I felt when I read that comment wasn’t about that particular commenter. I don’t know that person. It was about a lifetime of being told, “Don’t be you.” A fucking lifetime of being told I’m not enough and need to change pretty much everything about me.
So I’m going to be blunt here: If you want me to be all those things that I am not, then you have clearly mistaken me with someone else. Because *this* is who I am. You have also mistaken me with someone who gives a fuck.
Quote: “I’m sorry! You have mistaken me for someone who gives a fuck.”
But there are still days where I give too many fucks.
There are dark moments where I wish I was someone else.
There are still times where I feel so small, as though I do not matter and that if I vanished, I would not be missed.
But the less I stop apologising for who I am, the more I give myself permission for taking up space in this world, just as I am, and the more I realise that my way of advocacy is just as valid as anyone else’s is – the less hurt and exhausted I feel.
So I’m going to do my best to keep on doing just that.
❤ The Bullshit Fairy
The Bullshit Fairy 
Working alongside you on this, trying not to apologise for who I am and allowing myself to take up space. When we shout about being autistic, in both its positive and negative lights, we will allow ourselves a little more space each time.
And fuck the rest.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh…this post. *breathes out* Thank you. My sentiments as well. It is a Catch 22 for us; be one’s self and be damned for one’s difference, or fit it and conform and one is damned for doing it wrong ir being fake. It does seem appropriate to feel like removing one’s self from society. It is too much to take. A balloon will burst with too much pressure applied from all sides; as we do when firm and constant pressure is on us. Sadly, it is one of those things that is so bery hard to point out…til it is too late.
LikeLike