I am so tired of apologising for who I am.
I can feel my souls’ exhaustion.
I can hear my inner Bullshit Fairy rolling her eyes and muttering, “Are we really going here, again?”
Yesterday someone commented on my Facebook Page about this post, and questioned why I am taking aim at people who are on the same side as me. (How a non-autistic white cis-male is on the same side as me doesn’t make sense to me, but anyway. . .) The same person also commented that my energy would be better spent in another area of autism advocacy such as the anti-vaccine movement.
And it touched a wound, that’s why I’m writing this – to unpack my own bullshit. I knew the searing rage I felt when I read that comment wasn’t about that particular commenter. I don’t know that person. It was about a lifetime of being told, “Don’t be you.” A fucking lifetime of being told I’m not enough and need to change pretty much everything about me.
So I’m going to be blunt here: If you want me to be all those things that I am not, then you have clearly mistaken me with someone else. Because *this* is who I am. You have also mistaken me with someone who gives a fuck.
Quote: “I’m sorry! You have mistaken me for someone who gives a fuck.”
But there are still days where I give too many fucks.
There are dark moments where I wish I was someone else.
There are still times where I feel so small, as though I do not matter and that if I vanished, I would not be missed.
But the less I stop apologising for who I am, the more I give myself permission for taking up space in this world, just as I am, and the more I realise that my way of advocacy is just as valid as anyone else’s is – the less hurt and exhausted I feel.
So I’m going to do my best to keep on doing just that.
❤ The Bullshit Fairy